I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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