I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
