Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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