It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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