My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
