I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
