Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
