I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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