We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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