Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
