I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
