i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
