so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize