yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
