Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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