I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
