I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
