I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
