My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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