I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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