Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
