i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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