If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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