remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
