Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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