"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
