I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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