just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
