worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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