Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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