Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
