my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Vodka?
Forever.
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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