Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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