YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
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Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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