These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
