you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
