It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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