I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pants are for mortals
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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