allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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