I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
