Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think i have two assholes
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
