I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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