Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
