that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
did i walk over a car last night?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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