well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
