just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
