She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
