Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
