im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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