There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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