What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
