remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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