Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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