I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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